Calvinist-Bash: ‘Elected Because I Selected’ Cruise ‘07: The Cruise Every Calvinist-Basher has been Dreaming of is NOW a Reality!
Free-Will Cruise Lines Proudly Presents:
Calvinist-Bash:“Elected Because I Selected” Cruise ‘07
September 13th–17th, 2007
(Captain: Dr. Jerry Vines)
Come sail five days at sea with the best Calvinist-Bashers in the business. This cruise was specifically designed for those Calvinist-Bashin’ preachers that cannot wait until the next SBC Pastors’ Conference or anywhere Dr. Johnny Hunt preaches.
Here are a few highlights of the Calvinist-Bash Cruise ’07:
- Entertainment- LifeWay Premiere: Nelson Price has sold his “Bus-Stop Analogy“rights to LifeWay. Captain Jerry Vines has arranged for Jeff Slaughter, of LifeWay VBS, and his drama team to present the “Bus-Stop” live on stage (in a real life Thomas yellow school bus). (Nelson Price will be the Special Guest MC)
- Johnny Hunt will host a 3-hour clinic each day on “Mastering theArt of How to Bash Calvinists while Preaching from any Biblical Text.
- Open-Theist, Greg Boyd(not pictured), Captain Jerry Vines’ Special Surprise Guest, will give a commentary on his ”Chess Match Analogy“ (borrowed by Captain Vines) and also have a book-signing for the revised edition of his book, ”God of the Possible“ . . . Foreworded by, yours truly, the Captain himself, Jerry Vines . . . First Baptist Woodstock’s ”Resident Theologian.”
- Entertainment: Nightly Stand-Up Calvinist-Bash Comedy Show: hosted by VolFan007 (picture was taken before VolFan007 came out of the closet with his identity).
. . . (ya gotta love him) - Grand Finale (Saturday Night): Johnny Hunt, Jerry Vines, Nelson Price, Butch Caner, and Emir Caner will have a “Round-Table” On-Stage Discussion on Calvinist-Bashing.
- Added Bonus: Saturday Late-Night Entertainment Wrestling Match: (Nirvana for every Calvinist-Bashin’ preacher . . . this will be an “unforgettable vent session” for all stressed-out Calvinist-Bashers): Tag Team Wrestling “Grudge Match” (anything goes): The Caner Brothers:Ergun “Butch” and “Lil’ Bro,” Emir will have a tag team wrestling “grudge” match with Tom Ascol and James White ”Look-Alike” clone wrestlers . . .VolFan007 will be the ring-side commentator. . . Johnny Hunt will be the ”special-guest” referee. FOLKS, YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS THIS ONE. . . (the Ascol and White “Look-Alike” clone wrestlers will be “paid-off” by Jerry Falwell to let Butch ”win the match” by executing the ”Elected Because I Selected Pile-Driver” on the Tom Ascol “Look-Alike” clone) . . . it’s wrestling entertainment . . . what else could you expect? (Jerry Falwell, their manager, will make a special-guest appearance at ring-side).
Prizes and Give-Aways:
- Special First Grand Prize Drawing Give-Away (1): One lucky Calvinist-Basher will drive away in a new Johnny Hunt Signature Series Customized “Calvinist-Crusher”H3 Hummer.
- Second Grand Prize Drawing Give-Aways (10): Laptop Computer with pre-installed “Net Finney” software.
- Third Grand Prize Drawing Give-Aways (50): XBox360 pre-installedwith the “Caners Vs. Ascol/White” Grudge Match Pro Wrestling Game.
- Every Calvinist-Basher will receive his very own Calvinist-Bash ‘07 Polo Shirt with its theme: “Elected Because I Selected” monogrammed on the pocket.
Editor’s Note: Compare the close resemblances of Vines/Captain and Price/Doc . . . it was a natural fit! ;)
Tags: humor, Nelson Price
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April 4, 2007 at 9:52 am
Hilarious!
April 4, 2007 at 11:53 am
THIS IS A BLOOGGER THAT HAS WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS HANDS!!
= “THE PREACHERS WIFE”
I BELIEVE HIS WIFE SHOULD GIVE HIM A LONGER “HONEY” DO LIST.
April 7, 2007 at 5:14 pm
THIS IS FUNNY STUFF!!!
June 14, 2007 at 11:06 pm
Wow – maybe instead of bashing other Christians the Blogger of this site may want to fulfill the Great Commission by making disciples of all men. But I guess that will happen if it was meant to happen somehow – why do anything at all?
January 30, 2008 at 2:59 am
I have watched from the sidelines for quite sometime. This continuous bashing of each side I’m sure is well pleasing to God!
What about what you are doing resembles the first century church.
Jesus said as he was ascending to go into the world and preach the gospel. He said nothing about “who” to preach too or “who” would accept.
Please spend more time speaking the gospel into a lost world and less time gossiping (which is a sin) about fellow Christians.
I find it amusing that you trust God to know who is going to be saved but you don’t trust that he can take care of who you assume to be a false teacher.
Sovereignty should be sovereignty- not only in the area of how you think the gospel should be presented.
Stop with the discontent. You are sowing discord among the brethren.
It is not furthering the gospel or the cause of Christ. Only your self-appointed 21 century secret knowledge (gnostic) belief system.
January 30, 2008 at 8:26 am
KR,
You charging me with “sowing discord among the brethren” is the pot calling the kettle black . . . you called me a “gnostic.” You don’t know anything about me . . . hmmm . . . it seems you are the “gnostic” since you “know” exactly how to label me.
It is obvious that you are very angry . . . therefore, I suggest that you, along with every other Calvinist-Basher, go seek immediate anger-management help from a certified anger-management counselor.
chadwick
January 30, 2008 at 8:29 am
Chadwick,
Don’t let up on defending the truth of God’s Sovereign grace.Whenever one departs from the doctrine of Election,he departs from the gospel.
Paul is very explicit and completely logical when he says regarding the method by which man is to be saved,”If it is by grace,then it is no more works:otherwise grace is no more grace.But if it be by works,then it is no more grace.otherwise grace is no more grace”(Rom.11:6).Message…(you can’t mix grace and works).If man contributes anything whatsoever to his salvation,even his own responsiveness of heart or the exercise of his own faith,then salvation is no longer by grace.For it becomes a co-operative effort between man and God in which the decision of man and not of God detrmines the issue.
bp
February 25, 2008 at 11:36 pm
This is funny. I know first hand of the Nelson Price brand of Calvinist bashing. He came to be an interim pastor at my church. I still cringe. We got a steady dose of his bashing and the bus stop (non)analogy…
June 15, 2008 at 2:01 pm
[...] I selected Cruise,08. If you missed the cruise last year,be sure and get on board this yearhttp://chadwickivester.wordpress.com/2007/04/04/calvinist-bash-elected-because-i-selected-cruise-07-… Explore posts in the same categories: Calvinist-Arminian, Calvinists, Calvinists go away, Chadwick [...]
March 5, 2009 at 9:03 am
chadwick,
Is there any plans for a Calvinist bashing cruise for Sept,2009?
bp
January 4, 2010 at 6:26 am
Why do you bother posting the cruise? Don’t you know it was predestined for them to bash Calvinism? Oh wait… I forgot, it was predestined for you to post the cruise…
Why do you suppose God predestined the existence of Armenians?
Maybe he wanted to set back and watch them go at it with Calvinist. No wait… God would have had to write both arguments.
January 4, 2010 at 9:38 am
Jim,
It would be very beneficial to your theology if you would flush your philosophical jargon down the toilet and start reading your Bible.
Are you an Open Theist?
Your philosophical vernacular is foreign to the Holy Scriptures. You really sound like Clark Pinnock.
Here is something you can put in your pipe to smoke on while you are flushing:
IV. Providence:
God from eternity, decrees or permits all things that come to pass, and perpetually upholds, directs and governs all creatures and all events; yet so as not in any wise to be the author or approver of sin nor to destroy the free will and responsibility of intelligent creatures.
(2 Chron 25:16; ; Job 9:12; 33:29; 36:23; 42:2; Ps 33:11; 115:3 ; Prov 8:12;8:23;19:21; Eccl 7:13;9:11; Isa 23:9;25:1; ;43:13;46:11; Jer 4:28; 25:28; 49:20;50:45; Lam 3:37; Dan 4:35; 11:3; Jonah 1:14 ;Zech 6:1 ;Matt 11:26;20:15; Luke 4:25;7:30; 10:21; Acts 15:18; Rom 1:6; 8:15; 8:29; 1 Cor 12:11; Gal 1:4; Eph 1:11-12; 1:18; Eph 3:11; Phil 2:13 2 Tim 1:9) [Taken from the SBC's Abstract of Principles].
Good Day,
–chadwick
January 4, 2010 at 9:39 am
Jim,
P.S.,
An Armenian is a citizen of Armenia.