I AM NEWSPRING: A NOBLE TRAIT

Posted December 10, 2009 by chadwick
Categories: Perry Noble, Satire, South Carolina Baptist Convention, Southern Baptist Convention, culture, humor

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‘Environmentally-Pure’ Church Disciplines ‘Polluted’ Members

Posted December 9, 2009 by chadwick
Categories: Blogroll, Satire, Southern Baptist Convention, Theology, culture, humor

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The following article contains excerpts from an interview with Evergreen Baptist Church, conducted by  SBCEnquirer™:

Evergreen Baptist Church, affiliated with the Southern Baptist Environment and Climate Initiative (SBECI), just before the holidays, practiced church discipline and “removed some ‘polluted’ members from [its] ‘environmentally- pure’ roll,” stated Evergreen’s pastor, the Reverend Clevis Bevins.

Bevins stated, “We make it crystal-clear to every prospective member that we are a 100% totally green congregation! We live in a polluted age,” Bevins passionately stated, “We are called to be environmentally pure. I let them know, up-front, that I will not tolerate ‘fence-riders’ on the environmental issues. Either you are green, or you are not!  You are either striving to heat this world up, or cool it down. Our primary goal should be to cool it down! For this reason, every person who joins our church must sign the SBC’s 2007 Global Warming Resolution (and, yes, it is printed on recycled paper).”

Here is a listing of the violations that spawned Evergreen’s pastor to take action:

1. Four members were forced to leave the congregation when Bevins received word that they had used authentic Christmas trees and wreathes for decorating their homes. Bevins emotionally replied, with a cracking voice, “Four innocent lives [of trees] were maliciously taken . . . they aren’t coming back! If we don’t act upon these senseless murders, who will? “

Alvin Bledsoe, one of  Evergreen’s members who was charged with the violation, stated, “I told Pastor Bevins that the real tree was 50% cheaper than the artificial one; also, I am on a tighter budget, this year. Therefore, the best economical choice for me was to purchase the real tree. Also, you could not tell the two apart!” Bledsoe, when asked how Pastor Bevins learned about the ‘real tree,’  replied, ” When Pastor Blevins visited my house the other day, he literally ‘caught wind’ of it as soon as he walked into the door . . . the scent of freshly cut cedar fumigated the entire house. I knew right then that I was busted! A couple days later, I received, in the mail, a copy of the statement I signed with a letter of dismissal. Bledsoe went on to say, “Oh, how Pastor Bevins has changed. He used to cry for the souls of lost sinners. However, now he cries for dead trees!”

Teresa Young stated that Bevins found out about her  “real tree” when she posted a video clip, onto her  Facebook page, of her family’s yearly outing to the Christmas tree farm. Here is the video:

2. Three members were busted when the Reverend Bevins received early Christmas cards from them; the cards were not made from recycled paper. (Bevins is a big stickler for using only ‘recycled’ paper.) Bevins refused to comment on this violation. However, Jill Scott, one of the violators, stated, with tears streaming from her eyes, “Pastor Bevins used to preach on the blood of Jesus and the salvation of lost sinners.  He used to preach on how hot hell is; now all we hear is  how hot the earth is becoming and the salvation of trees.” Scott also stated, “He started changing about the time of the 2007 Global Warming Resolution was passed [by the SBC].

Roscoe Kimble, another excommunicated member, stated, “Pastor Bevins used to talk about Calvary alot. Alas, now all he talks about is Copenhagen! In our prayer meetings, he constantly tells us to make  COP15 Copenhagen our greatest prayer need . . . that we need to pray that the leaders will make the right environmental choices! . . .  blah, blah, blah!”

3. Four members were ousted because of ”atmosphere molesting” automobiles. Bruce Freson, a former-Evergreen member, stated, “Pastor Bevins ‘churched’ me because of my ’smokin’ diesel pick-up truck [that I use to transport cattle to make a living]. He told me that those diesel fumes were not only obnoxious to the planet, but were also obnoxious to God. I started seeing Pastor Bevins slowly change about the time he traded his Ford Explorer for a ‘Green-Certified’ Ford Focus Hybrid.”

Emily Rainey fears that she will be Evergreen’s next victim. She stated, “Last week, I [simply] asked Pastor Bevins if he had heard anything about the “leaked” ClimateGate emails. The words were not even out of my mouth yet when his demeanor suddenly changed. It made me think that I had just used the Lord’s name in vain. I could see the jugular vein flair up in his neck as he coldly stated, ‘I should have guessed it; you’ve been listening to those heretics on Fox News, haven’t you?’ I told him that I didn’t even watch Fox News. However, he then threw his hands up in the air and stomped out of the sanctuary mumbling, something under his breath, about some Hannity fellow.”

A ‘NewSprung’ Leak

Posted December 7, 2009 by chadwick
Categories: Satire, South Carolina Baptist Convention, Southern Baptist Convention, culture, humor

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READ, “Holy Rage at the ‘Spring,”  BY DR. JAMES DUNCAN. If you only read one blog post this year, let this be the one. (CLICK HERE)

Since June, I have been reading Dr. James Duncan’s blog, “Pajama Pages.”  (I stumbled upon it by accident and I have been reading it ever since then.) He has, Biblically and tactfully, taken Perry Noble to task on many issues. In all that I have ever read, Duncan has made his arguments with Noble about ISSUES and not personalities. Duncan has never attacked Noble’s character; he has only addressed the ISSUES; that’s it!

On the other hand, Duncan, along with his family,  has been maliciously (This word is an understatement; however, it is the strongest word that I can describe) attacked by several henchmen men under Noble’s authority. These men have sought to slander, degrade, sabotage, and defame Duncan’s CHARACTER and CAREER.

Here are just a few attempts of how these henchmen men tried to denigrate Duncan’s character and career:

  1. Someone emailed Duncan homosexual pornographic pictures.
  2. Someone, disguising himself as Duncan, ordered a subscription to a homosexual magazine.
  3. A bogus Twitter account was set up under Duncan’s name that portrayed him as a homosexual.
  4. Duncan received late-night, slanderous, computerized phone calls.
  5. A bogus resignation letter, supposedly written by Duncan, was sent to his boss.
  6. One of the malicious attackers Twitted rude comments about Duncan’s wife and son.

All of these malicious attacks, which lasted all summer, were “unbeknownst” to Newspring’s Pope/CEO/Godfather Pastor, Perry Noble, and his staff.

EXCLUSIVE AUDIO FOOTAGE:

CLICK HERE to hear the official statement from Noble and his staff verifying that the malicious attacks on Dr. Duncan were “unbeknownst” to them! . . . That’s their story, and they’re sticking to it!

Selah,

chadwick

The Fallacious Farce of Global Warming & the SBC

Posted December 4, 2009 by chadwick
Categories: Satire, Southern Baptist Convention, culture, humor

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Which Tiger Shall We Slay?

Posted December 3, 2009 by chadwick
Categories: Blogroll, Theology, culture

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As the world knows, Tiger Woods, the world’s best golfer, has confessed to having multiple adulterous relationships (CLICK HERE). It saddens me very much to hear about Tiger’s “transgressions.”

My first kneejerk reaction came from the “Pharisaical Tiger” within my own heart; I sought to pray thus within myself, “God, I thank Thee, that I am not as other “married” men are, especially as this accused hypocritical, fornicating, adulterous, fraudulent “do-gooder,” Tiger Woods!” (Luke 18:11).

How tempting it was for me to jump on the bandwagon and join the myriad of ruthless, graceless, merciless, and condemning bloggers  in “slaying the Tiger” on his own blog? Yet, as I pondered on the situation, the Holy Spirit reminded me, ”if I thinketh I standeth, I must take heed lest I fall.” (1 Cor 10:12).

Jonathan Edwards wrote (from his Resolutions):

* 8. Resolved, To act, in all respects, both speaking and doing, as if nobody had been so vile as I, and as if I had committed the same sins, or had the same infirmities or failings, as others; and that I should let the knowledge of their failings promote nothing but shame in myself, and prove only an occasion of my confessing my own sins and misery to God.

* 65. Resolved . . . all my life long, with the greatest openness of which I am capable, to declare my ways to God, and lay open my soul to him, all my sins, temptations, difficulties, sorrows, fears, hopes, desires, and every thing, and every circumstance . . .

* 68. Resolved, To confess frankly to myself, all that which I find in myself, either infirmity or sin; and, if it be what concerns religion, also to confess the whole case to God, and implore needed help.

According to Edwards, I should see Tiger’s “transgression” as if it is I who am charged with the same “transgression!” . . . and that I will let the knowledge of Woods’ “transgressions” promote nothing but shame in myself, and prove only an occasion of my confessing my own sins and misery to God!

According to the Word of God, I am capable of falling into the same “transgression” as Woods! . . . Nay, I am capable of even viler and heinous “transgressions” than he! And if it were not for God’s grace upon my life, I would fall into much greater folly than Woods!

At birth, Woods’ father described him as the Chosen One, a person who in time would be bigger than Buddha and have as much influence as Mahatma Gandhi or Nelson Mandela.  (CLICK HERE). (& CLICK HERE)

However, Tiger has admitted, in his own words (and actions), that he CANNOT BE GOD’S CHOSEN ONE:

I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. (Tiger Woods)

It is my hope that Woods’ confession of his “transgressions” will be the first step in looking unto the SOLE Chosen One to attain mercy and forgiveness for all his “transgressions.”

4 As you come to Him, the living Stone—rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to Him—

5 you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

6 For in Scripture it says:

“See, I lay a stone in Zion,

a chosen and precious cornerstone,

and the one who trusts in Him

will never be put to shame.”​ (1 Peter 2:4-6) [NIV]

Dear reader, you know all about Tiger Woods’ “transgressions.” Alas, what are you doing about the “transgressions” in your own life?

It is easier to cry against one-thousand sins of others than to kill one of your own. (John Flavel)

Mark it down, there are and will be many consequences to Woods’ “transgressions.” However, I shall not condemn him! I will only encourage him to turn from his “transgressions” and say to him, along with Jesus, “Go and [transgress] no more!” (John 8:11).

Conclusively, may our prayer be as the broken tax-collector standing afar off, not lifting up so much as our eyes unto heaven, smoting upon our breasts, saying, “God be merciful to me a sinner.” (Luke 18:13)

May it be your business, this day, to not “slay the Tiger without”, but to “slay the Tiger  within” your very breasts!

5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.

6 Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.​ (Colossians 3:5-6) [NIV]

Selah,

chadwick

Another Reason Why I Don’t Let My Daughter Watch Hannah Montana . . . Like I Need Another Reason!

Posted November 25, 2009 by chadwick
Categories: Satire, Southern Baptist Convention, Theology, humor

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Islam: Incompatible with the United States Constitution

Posted November 8, 2009 by chadwick
Categories: Blogroll

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The latest Muslim-inflicted terrorist-attack in Fort Hood is one that needs to be investigated. For it will prove that Islam is incompatible with the United States Constitution.

The following statements about Islam are inspired from What You Need to Know About Islam & Muslims by: George W. Braswell Jr. :

Islam is a world religion characterized by— Missions, Mobility, & Militancy (Braswell).

Missions: All life, for Muslims, should be subsumed under the laws of Allah. This means that every follower of Muhammad should strive to promote Islam in their: personal life, family life, culture, society, religion, and government. Muslims are under a mandate to establish this vision wherever Islam is present. [Bold emphases mine.]

Mobility: The simplicity of belief and the practice of the pillars of Islam have made it appealing and approachable across cultures. For this reason, Islam has been able to get rooted in US soil.

Militancy: “Jihad” is an important concept for every Muslim.

Classical Islam divides the world into two areas:

1) The world of peace— where Islam is practiced and the Quran is observed:

2) The world of warfare and ignorance, dominated by non-Muslims.

The mission of Islam is to bring the second world under Islam.

chadwick’s commentary:

Islam is based on an anti-democratic philosophy, which is incompatible  with the United States Constitution. The United States Constitution promotes the separation between Church (Religion) and State. One of the major tenants of Islam is its goal to promote Islam in every government that Islam is present. This is clearly seen in the Fort Hood terrorist attack. Islam does not promote Liberty and Justice for all; its mission is to bring the Non-Muslim world under Islam.

Bottom Line:

The goal of every Muslim is to bring their government  under the rule of Islam; it is their mandate. For this reason,  every  American citizen who is Muslim disqualifies himself/herself from serving the United States Government at any level. For the United States to allow any Muslim in any governmental office is a breach of the U.S. Constitution.

chadwick

 

Monitoring Your Daily Living Information

Posted September 3, 2009 by chadwick
Categories: Blogroll, Devotional Thoughts, South Carolina Baptist Convention, Southern Baptist Convention, Theology, sbcbloggermii's

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wii fit exercise graph 3

Resolved, Whenever I do any conspicuously evil action, to trace it back, till I come to the original cause and then, both carefully endeavor to do so no more, and to fight and pray with all my might against the original of it. (Resolution #24: By Jonathan Edwards)

Since January, I have been on a strict exercise and diet regime; I have been monitoring and logging my progress every weekday (via my Wii Fit Exercise Program). The program records and registers my exercise information so that I can gauge from week to week if I have progressed or regressed. I have nine months of data concerning my exercise history. Last month, my family and I attended a wonderful event that had an entree of delicious food items with a large desert table of ‘homemade’ cakes and pies. Needless to say, the food was irresistibly delicious . . . and I lost all restraint and pigged out! I indulged in the fine food and enjoyed every bite. Later, I knew that I had overindulged!

Anyway, after returning home, for some strange reason, I decided to ‘weigh in‘ on my exercise program . . . I had gained seven!! . . . yes that is correct, SEVEN pounds of weight within the short span of two hours!!! Fortunately, I was able to work it back off . . . however, it took me one entire week to lose those extra seven pounds that only took a fleeting moment to gain. The exercise program asked me what the problem was that caused me to gain so much weight since my last log (it gave me a list of multiple choice reasons). I checked the box that stated that I had eaten too much. Ah, that was the root of my problem!

My August exercise program’s graph chart that monitors my weight bears witness to the sudden spike on the graph chart. My weight for that specific day of my eating binge was registered FOREVER on my program. I cannot erase it, delete it, or change it. Therefore, the August graph chart of my weight has a lone upward graph point where my weight sky-rocketed.

My exercise program can display my weight progress of the entire year. It is hilarious to look at because the month of August bears one ‘blip‘ that stands out by itself. Every time I examine my yearly chart, that one, lone, spiked blip in August bears witness to my one moment of overindulgence. Thus, no matter how I don’t want that lone, spiked blip on my exercise record, it is there to stay!

In the same, not only is it good to monitor and record our daily physical information, it is also good to monitor and record our “daily living information” . . . and (mentally) record even the moments that we do any “conspicuously evil action.” Why? As Jonathan Edwards suggests, “to trace it back, till I come to the original cause.” What are the causes of the “conspicuously evil actions” in our lives?

Charles Spurgeon makes a few suggestions to the causes of the “conspicuously evil actions” in our lives. He wrote:

The causes of [a conspicuously evil action] are manifold . . . it may arise through a comparative neglect of prayer, for a neglected closet is the beginning of all spiritual decline . . .”

Or it may be the result of idolatry. The heart has been occupied with something else, more than with God; the affections have been set on the things of earth, instead of the things of heaven. A jealous God will not be content with a divided heart; He must be loved first and best. He will withdraw the sunshine of His presence from a cold, wandering heart . . .”

Or the cause may be found in self-confidence and self-righteousness. Pride is busy in the heart, and self is exalted instead of lying low at the foot of the cross.”

In conclusion, according to Edwards, once you have calculated and determined the cause of your “conspicuously evil action, you are to “both carefully endeavor to do so no more, and to fight and pray with all [your] might against the original of it.

Chart your life day by day; examine it and take notes; take immediate and proper action to keep the course of following Christ:

. . . So let us run the race that is before us and never give up. We should remove from our lives anything that would get in the way. And we should remove the sin that so easily catches us. (Hebrews 12:1) [International Children's Bible]

Selah,

chadwick

A Question to Wade Burleson Concerning His ‘Re-Vindication’ of Jimmy Carter’s Alleged ‘Baptistic Evangelicalness’

Posted August 10, 2009 by chadwick
Categories: Blogroll, Satire, Southern Baptist Convention, Theology, Wade Burleson, humor

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Wade Burleson is once again is in high gear defending the ‘Baptistic Evangelicalness’ of Jimmy Carter (CLICK HERE TO READ MY RESPONSE to Burleson’s 2007 Vindication of Carter’s Baptistic Evangelicalness).

I tried to post a cordial comment on Burleson’s blog. Alas, I was denied access; here is the reason:

Comments on this blog are restricted to team members.
You’re currently logged in as chadwick. You may not comment with this account.
Since I am not one of Burleson’s  ‘team players,’ I am posting my question to Burleson here:

Wade,

You stated:

“[Carter] professes privately, publicly and without apology that “Salvation is by grace through faith in Jesus Christ.”

Does Carter profess privately, publicly and without apology that “Salvation is by grace ALONE through faith ALONE in Jesus Christ.”?

Cordially,

chadwick

Dear reader, you may not be one of chadwickivester.com’s ‘team players.’  However, you are always free to post your comments here! 8)

chadwick’s Birthday Cake: Reformation-Style!

Posted July 31, 2009 by chadwick
Categories: Blogroll, Theology, humor, icing on the cake by: tina

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chadwick was very surprised as his birthday cake was unveiled to him.

chadwick was very surprised as his birthday cake was unveiled to him . . . he was expecting Jacobus Arminius!!!!!!!

Martin Luther Birthday Cake is  a home-made confetti cake with: marshmallow fondant and butter cream icing. It was delicious! If you live in the Charlotte, NC/Columbia, SC area, my wife can create for you the cake of your dreams.

Martin Luther Birthday Cake is a home-made confetti cake with: marshmallow fondant and butter cream icing. It was delicious! If you live in the Charlotte, NC/Columbia, SC area, my wife can create for you the cake of your dreams.

The cake is missing a few candles!

The cake is missing a few candles!

Here I eat; I can do no other!!

Here I eat; I can do no other!!